moments of doubt
"I know that God loves me. I know I'm forgiven. But sometimes it doesn't feel that way and sometimes, it's just not enough. And no matter how much I believe, God can feel so far away.
When I've got it so good, how can I feel so bad? Why do I feel like there's something totally wrong with me?
Some days I want to be a playwright.
Some days I know I'm going to be an actress.
But some days I just want to stay in bed.
Some days I feel like I can take on the world.
Other days I don't even want to take off my covers.
Some days I feel fat and ugly, no matter what anybody says.
But some days I feel so alive that I can almost taste how good life is.
And then again, some days I just wna tot die.
Some days I know I'm going to be famous.
Other days I'm convinced I'm a certifiable loser.
So which one is the real me?
The one who's going to be famous one day or the one who feels so completely, totally weird? I flip back and forth in the way I feel about me- and you know what? I do the same thing with God. Resolute one day, doubting the next. Back and forth.
Okay, so it's no surprise that I've absolutely committed my life to Christ, right? No doubt about it. Nobody has to tell me that God is God. I know that. I want to make a difference for GOd. Want to be on the front lines for God. I want my life to matter. BUt even though I know in my head what I believe and I know that God is who He says He is, even knowing all that, some days I don't feel it. I feel like God is so far aaway, and I wonder what's wrong with me. Some days I just want to cry, and some days praying just feels like an exercise in nothingness.
I guess I feel like my heart conspires against me - like thoughts, feelings, and doubts that aren't really what I think or believe take over inside. And because I've been a Christian so long, I feel even worse because I feel like I shouldn't feel this way, and then it just feels like I'm in a downward spiral, going down, down, and farther down.
....
Do you ever have times when you just want to yell, What is with me, God? Or maybe instead of yelling at the sky, you want to whisper softly to the night, Are you really there, God? Do you really care?
Some days I just wonder how God can love me when I can be so on-again-off-again, so up and down. But then I remember, God's love isn't based on what I do. God's love is based on what Jesus did."
-The Journals of Rachel Scott
When I've got it so good, how can I feel so bad? Why do I feel like there's something totally wrong with me?
Some days I want to be a playwright.
Some days I know I'm going to be an actress.
But some days I just want to stay in bed.
Some days I feel like I can take on the world.
Other days I don't even want to take off my covers.
Some days I feel fat and ugly, no matter what anybody says.
But some days I feel so alive that I can almost taste how good life is.
And then again, some days I just wna tot die.
Some days I know I'm going to be famous.
Other days I'm convinced I'm a certifiable loser.
So which one is the real me?
The one who's going to be famous one day or the one who feels so completely, totally weird? I flip back and forth in the way I feel about me- and you know what? I do the same thing with God. Resolute one day, doubting the next. Back and forth.
Okay, so it's no surprise that I've absolutely committed my life to Christ, right? No doubt about it. Nobody has to tell me that God is God. I know that. I want to make a difference for GOd. Want to be on the front lines for God. I want my life to matter. BUt even though I know in my head what I believe and I know that God is who He says He is, even knowing all that, some days I don't feel it. I feel like God is so far aaway, and I wonder what's wrong with me. Some days I just want to cry, and some days praying just feels like an exercise in nothingness.
I guess I feel like my heart conspires against me - like thoughts, feelings, and doubts that aren't really what I think or believe take over inside. And because I've been a Christian so long, I feel even worse because I feel like I shouldn't feel this way, and then it just feels like I'm in a downward spiral, going down, down, and farther down.
....
Do you ever have times when you just want to yell, What is with me, God? Or maybe instead of yelling at the sky, you want to whisper softly to the night, Are you really there, God? Do you really care?
Some days I just wonder how God can love me when I can be so on-again-off-again, so up and down. But then I remember, God's love isn't based on what I do. God's love is based on what Jesus did."
-The Journals of Rachel Scott
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