i miss you

I miss you Opa. There's so many things that I remember about you so clearly. Even though i was young when you died, i still remember. I remember Oma taking me to the dialysis centre once a week so that i could see you. and then we would go to the hospital and after the doctors checked you out, they would put you in a wheelchair, and i would ride on your lap down the hall and down the elevator, all the way to the front door.

we would go out to tim hortons after... just you, me, and oma. it was the same routine every week. i remember looking so forward to those days, and feeling so special cause i was the only one who did that with you. Jordan was in school and it was my special time to spend with you... all by myself, and with Oma.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Especially since my birthday is coming up soon. I can't stop thinking, "what if". Why did you have to die so soon, why couldn't you live so that i could get to know you more. Cause in the short time i knew you, you were one of the people that i looked up to the most. You were one of the most amazing men i have ever known Opa. And with my birthday coming up I just keep thinking, what if you could see me now. I've changed so much Opa, I've grown up! I'm no longer a little girl, I'm growing up into a young women that's changing every day. And I wish you could see that, I wish I could go to you every day and talk to you about stuff.

I remember crying really hard when you died. I remember crying at your funeral and holding on to my mom so much cause i didn't know what else to do. I remember Oma... being so strong, and me wondering how she could be so strong, in my own little kid way. I remember that for nights and night afterward i would lay in my bed and cry. i would call Oma in the middle of the night and just cry on the phone, and she was always so strong. I think you going to heaven was one of the hardest things i had to face. And it hurts to know that i can never get you back, that no matter what you're gone forever. but yno what? i know God worked through you when you lived, in the most amazing ways. from the stories i heard of you... i know that you touched so many lives.

I know that God took you away for a purpose. and i'm not doubting the ways that God works. cause both of us know that everything works together for good to those that love God. and i know you're up there with Him and i know that you're praising Him at this very moment! you have no more pain, no more dialysis... and... i dunno i don't know how to express myself. i don't think anyone can ever know how much i miss you, and what we shared in the short time that i knew you. but you and i know, and God knows. it's amazing that you even lived as long as you did, seeing as the doctors told you you probably wouldn't live past 16, but you lived till about 65!! your life was a miracle Opa.

so i'm not doubting why God took you away.... but i just wish you could have stayed.
i love you