this weekend has been great, last week was too. last week i had my camp for the whole week, it was my first week doig it and it went really well. all the kids are really good, which obviously helps a lot. then on Friday i learned that my Haiti trip was canceled, well not canceled, i should say post-poned... till Novemeber, because there's a lot of unrest there right now, and there's a war going on and all that stuff. So i was kinda upset about that, but at least it's not canceled all together, just post-poned. So Saturday was my Dad's birthday, and we went out for supper and then we all watched a movie and that was fun. Sunday was the best part of the weekend though :D i went to Lara's church in the morning, then to Tineke's church in the afternoon and yeah it was amazing, afterwards i went to Tineke's house and stayed there for a while, with my familyy. i hadn't seen tineke in a while... wait thats not true, i saw her like July 7, but i hadn't seen her since then. and i missed her lol so thats pretty much why i went to her house. and we were pretty much crazy, and we scared out brothers away, and it was fun and i loved it. and we jumped in the pool with our clothes on... yeahh dont ask we just had the urge!! and we went on the roof and layed on a blanket, and then scared our brothers some more (guess what they were doing... playing.... XBOX!! who would have knooown) and yeahh we had fun. i think i'm going to her church again next week and then she's gonna come over and sleep over for like, a couple dayys :D how exciting is that? pretty exciting. so this week i don't think i'm doing anything really exciting... but thats ok. chels is gone till Wednesday, so i'll probably be bored lol. right now i feel like going to the park and swinging on swings... but i don't know how i can get there, plus i can't use my brothers bike cause i think theres a tire thats flat. man!! oh well. i'll go later. my mom rented a whole bunch of movies so i think i'll watch some... after i clean up my room, and write letters to some people. i think i'll watch Sahara... or what else did she get... meh i don't remember. well i had better go... do something productive, have a good week peoples!!

i realized something today -- yay for me.

1. i want to go flying with a friend
2. i never want to break someone's trust.
3. i want to do something heroic and not be noticed
4. i want to give away something i need
5. i want to frame a picture of someone important to no one but me
6. i want to understand somebody that never ever thought i could understand them
7. i want to pick up a book and have a note fall out of it, for me.
8. i never want someone to lose faith in me

(some of those ideas were stolen, but i liked them.)

can't count the days anymore.

"Last summer I wrote it as the story of a girl who created a room that was completely blank and silent. She gutted and striped and painted, until she had created the room that expressed the silence she desired, and then she found that she couldn’t live there, that she herself destroyed the silence she craved and needed to exist in the world. So she left, slipping the key beneath the door."

Valerie Silliman

19

you know what i was thinking?
grace... is like an invitation to become beautiful.

tired. dissappointed.
but it's ok. it's what this week was gonna come with, and i knew it.
but it's all good.

facts.

-its 12 oclock, way too late for a person that is really tired.
-guys are evil
-i love mcdonalds french fries
-the notebook does make me cry
-i miss chelsea
-next week is gonna be really busy
-gum is really amazing
-i love hand moisturizer
-foil is amazing to make things
-i have a coldplay shirt
-i miss my friends
-i want an anberlin cd
-my sister has a dog named Maggie
-today i went swimming and the water was really really warm
-my hair is frizzy
-i feel like playing piano
-my eyes hurt from chlorine
-my shampoo smells weird
-i want to shop at Forever 21
-i'm listening to Natasha Bedingfield
-im looking at pictures and chels looks really amusing in this one picture
-i ate popcorn for lunch
-i just bought a skirt at ae
-i want to make something out of foil right now
-i need to print some pictures off the computer and put them on my wall
-church is tomorrow
-its 12:06
-i need to reply to a lot of emails.
-i love noodles with butter and salt
-i have a shirt that says "hawk nelson is my friend"
-my skirts are really comfortable
-haiti is in 23 days yessss
-i want to go and see brittni with tineke
-i feel like renting a movie
-east side mario's is the best restaurant ever
-i want to have a deck party with chels LOL
-karaoke for the deaf made me laugh
-i miss someone.
-im excited about wearing my new brown dress to church tomorrow
-i have ballet flats with lemons on them
-i also have ballet flats with polka dots on them
-i suck at cooking
-but i can make really good cookies and chocolate cupcakes
-i want to make a grass head lol tineke. but really i do
-this is sorta weird.
-i'm writing tineke a letter.
-i like my wall with pictures.
-i have a poster signed by Falling Up
-i have to get over my fear of spiders. is it possible?!?! i hope so.
-i love bright eyes, but i have to be in a certain mood to listen to them.
-i want a ponty-tail holder for my hair which is currently in front of my face and in my eyes.
-i'm talking to someone on msn and its 12:27
-im going now. to bed. i want be able to fall asleep.
-oh well
-bye
-the end.

24

so where do i begin

well, at the beginning of course

that would be the most logical and sensible thing to do

but i'm in a weird mood, lets change it up a bit

tonight i'm going to chelsea's house

this afternoon i cleaned my house and did random things

this morning... what did i do this morning

well i don't really remember

thats ok. it'd probably be boring anyways

i feel like screaming till i stop crying.

ever felt helpless?

and i know people are there for me

cause they told me they would be

yet i feel like those were such resaid phrases

once someone in my life said they would be there

yeah... sure

i feel alone, which is strange because i have yet

to be truly alone.

"it hurts when you can't see"

the end.

26)

it's so soon... i remember when it was 60 days ago and i was counting. i'm so excited, i really think something amazing is going to happen. and i really think God is going to provide everything that i need for it, i know He wants me to go and if He didn't want me to, i couldn't have done as much as i already have. only with His strength can i do anything.

"what does it feel like when the one thing you want so badly is the one thing that hurts?"

-tara

so to you... i'm sorry for judging you. i'm sorry i ever made it a big deal. i'm sorry that i never gave you a chance, that i hurt you. i'm sorry that i didn't want to let you know how i felt cause i thought it would make me feel stupid. i'm just plain sorry. and to you... i'm sorry things turned out this way. i'm sorry that no matter what you can see things as they are, ever hear me say something without being upset. hey maybe all of this isn't even a big deal after all. every day i'm realizing just how much i really exaggerate things. really, though. yesterday i had the worst cramps in the world and i was thinking, man this sucks it really hurts. but then i was like, wake up janelle. you're complaining about how badly your cramps hurt, you have a friend who just broke her back and here you sit complaining. i felt so horrible, i realized just how much i really really do exaggerate things in my life. well... cello lesson soon, well i have to leave soon. have a good day.

27 ((summer days)

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28

it's what You've told me so much before. it's what i've been ignoring, not wanting to believe. it's that You told me to not get into it and i did, and look where it's gotten me. it's that never ending ache that somehow just won't leave that little corner in my heart. it's that memory that won't slip out of the back of my mind. it's that feeling of being totally transparent, and not sure that i want to be. it's when You broke down those strongholds.

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"I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life...loving the Lord your God, obeying Him, and holding fast to Him; for that means life to you..." (Deuteronomy 30:19-20)

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i feel the urge to hug someone and try to make them happy. i feel the urge to sob my heart out. but i feel the urge to... laugh? yes, it's possible.

"Some days I just wonder how God can love me when I can be so on-again-off-again, so up and down. But then I remember, God's love isn't based on what I do. God's love is based on what Jesus did." (Rachel Joy Scott)

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"Time and space come together as we look at the stars, as we worship silently together in this most massive cathedral of the summer sky. Something in both of us aches and hungers and is not filled even in the presence of this awesome beauty. This is more than a hunger for beauty. It is at the same time a hunger for love, for acceptance - which, if you think about it long enough, you'll realize is a hunger for God. For He is beautiful.
To gaze upon the beauty of the Lord ... (Psalm 27:4)
And that is why we hunger for beauty. Have you ever recognized your need for God in this particular way? Have you ever contemplated one of those theological lists of God's attributes and concluded that He is above all beautiful? We rarely ponder His beauty, much less seek 'to gaze upon it ....
Creativity is not about me. It is not about you. It is not us somehow acting like little gods, creating on our own in the same way God creates. Although He asks us to imitate Him, we are not imitators of God in this dimension. The most we can for is to respond appropriately and creatively to who God is and what He means. Creativity is a response.
And that is what true worship is - a response. Because it is a response, it does not originate with me. He speaks. He moves. He is beautiful. We respond. We create. We worship.
Today I choose to be a celebrant. By God's enabling grace I will hold Jesus up before the world and not hold myself up. I will seek to respond to His extravagant love by any and all means possible. I will strive to create art that will communicate to the world, and most especially to Him, how much I love and long for His presence."
-Scribbling in the Sand, by Michael Card
Those were some excerpts from the book called Scribbling in the Sand. It's a really good book I just started reading ... about Christ and Creativity. If you didn't know, Michael Card is a famous Christian singer/songwriter.
What really hit me is that our hunger for love, for acceptance, is really a hunger for God. If only the world could realize that. If only they could see that what they really need, what they really hunger for is for God. Cause you can only find true love, true acceptance, in Him. You won't find it if you look anywhere else.
And when we find that love that conquers all else, when we find that true acceptance, we respond in worship. And because it is a response, "it does not originate in me."
God speaks. God is the one that moves. He is beautiful.
We need to respond. So we create. And we worship.
(archives-Novemeber 2005)

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yea i'm somehow getting there slowly. amazing, isn't it.

30

camping. BURNT. sore. happy. sad. excitement. beaches. white SAND. stars. big dipper.

dunes. dune pit. laughing. crying. blankets. pancakes. bathing suits.

ice cream. running. hiking. walking. dark. sunny.

lifehouse. swimming. riding the waves.

singing.

tents. broken air mattress. aloe vera.

praying. talking. campfires. flashlights. hot.

hair that feels like straw. amusement. magazines.

everything everything everything everything everything.

four days with the people you really really care about and love.

those kinds of days always do good things for me.

i miss you.

i love you.

37

i won't be blogging much at all this week... not that that needs to be announced or anything, but yea. now you know. hurray. i hope you guys have a good summer, i'll be pretty busy so i won't be blogging much at all. keep praying for brittni, she really needs the prayers. goodbye!