paper rain*

thoughts

shorts

hot. sweaty. sticky.

drawing pictures

switchfoot

Julius Caesar

laundry

talks

chats

discussions

fights

learned lessons

air.

complications.

water.

soft hair

math/science

piano

Poulenc (Hymne)

ear training

walks

emails

14

-

surviving.

-

"i can't stop thinking about it"

"just stop"

"i can't though"

"stop thinking about it"

-

I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed

They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

Now I don’t know where I am

I don’t know where I’ve been

But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know

That these things take forever

I especially am slow

But I realize that I need you

And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night

Just to meet me in the morning

And I thought it was strange you said everything changed

You felt as if you had just woke up

And you said “this is the first day of my life

I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you

But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you

And I’d probably be happy”

(First Day of my Life, Bright Eyes)

-

"hey, remember me?"

"yea i remember you... walking away."

(something lysha said in a post before)

to those who are lonely.

to those who are rejected.

to those who hate.

to those who are angry.

to those who are bitter.

to those who cry.

i'm praying.

-

"it hurts"

"yea i know"

-

i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you

hey hey nothing new.

-

sitting. waiting. wishing.

"i have trained you well, you make me proud."

--

so i'm posting and i'm sorta /hot/ cause it's really warm outside. but my parents just put on the air conditioning... hurray. it's been such nice weather though, really hot... but i like it. i think later on i will go outside and do more work there, may as well tan while i'm working.

--

"are you ok?"

"yea, just some stuff going on"

"what kinda stuff?"

"***********************************************************************"

"are you serious"

"yea"

"that makes me so mad"

"i know it really hurt"

"i'm praying for you, i hope things get better. i just wish i could give you a hug"

"thanks"

"i love you"

"thanks"

--

Maybe I’ve been the problem

Maybe I’m the one to blame

But even when I turn it off and blame myself

The outcome feels the same

I’ve been thinking maybe I’ve been partly cloudy

Maybe I’m the chance of rain

And maybe I’m overcast

And maybe all my luck’s washed down the drain

I’ve been thinking about everyone, everyone

You look so lonely

But when I look at the stars, when I look at the stars

When I look at the stars, I see someone else

When I look at the stars, the stars

I feel like myself

Stars looking at a planet, watching entropy and pain

And maybe start to wonder

How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane

I've been thinking about the meaning of resistance

Of a hope beyond my own

And suddenly the infinite and penitent begin to look like home

I've been thinking about everyone, everyone you look so empty

("Stars", Switchfoot)

--

'cause i want to hold the hand that holds the world

tomorrow is my last day of orchestra and our last concert.

i'm kinda sad about that, i'm going to miss everyone so much, especially my quartet. especially sarah... she's going to be gone all summer because she got into the National Youth Orchestra of Canada and they're touring around the country for the whole summer. i'm so incredibly excited for her though, she's wanted this for so long.

mmm carrots. i'm eating a carrot right now. did you know that 5-10 carrots a day helps you to be healthier? my brother so kindly informed me of that today, he must of thought i needed to know.

But Your harmony is drowning out the melody

It's raging inside my head

I tried to hide

But it was spinning round me pulling me inside

I opened my eyes

Just in time to see my worlds collide

Your love is changing my mind

The world around me starts to fade away

And I'm being refined

You're bringing dawn to a brand new day

i'm on a set schedule for schoolwork, that way i can finish by the end of June. or... hopefully finish, i really don't want to being doing school this summer. that is one thing that i detest... school in the summer.

this Friday night is chels and my recital, i'm really excited. and kinda nervous too... i still have to memorize one song, which i will do on monday. for the rest of today i just have to worry about finishing my science test, finishing math and reading Robinson Crusoe for english (blaaaaaaah).

i don't really know what else to post about.

so goodbye

to lysha

so yea lysha it's pretty much your 16th birthday today that's craaazy!! 16 seems so old to me, i know that does sound strange but it's true. yno what i wish i could do right now? go to your house and give you a hug. i always want to give people hugs on their birthdays but half the time they live a million miles away from me and it's not at all possible. *virtual hug* aha there we go.

well i want to let you know i think you're beautiful. and you are one of the most amazing people i know. i know that sounded lame but yno what i mean.

all words seem to sound lame that i type for people's birthdays. i'm not very good with words when it comes to writing birthday wishes.

i really really miss you. i hope you can come to my birthday party in the summer, i want to make it like two days or something. two days of seeing you!! oh joy oh bliss.

i hope you have a happy day. having fun at all those play rehearsals and all :P i want to say how much i love love love love you but it all sorta comes out just.. like that. i love you. you've always made me feel like someone special, even when i don't understand stuff you just sorta, help me through it the best way you can and you understand. and thats what i love about you. there's obviously so much more but for now i have to go. i have to teach soon....

happy birthday beautiful.

i love you so insanely it makes me want to sing.

the little ape (i.e. me) and brittni oh thoughtful one ahaha

-

The future's for discovering

The space in which we're travelling

From the top of the first page

To the end of the last day

From the start in your own way

You just want somebody listening to what you say

It doesn't matter who you are

It doesn't matter who you are

Under the surface trying to break through

Deciphering the codes in you

I need a compass, draw me a map

I'm on the top, I can't get back

Is there anybody out there who

Is lost and hurt and lonely too

Are they bleeding all your colours into one?

and if you come undone

As if you've been run through

Some catapult it fired you

You wonder if your chance will ever come

Or if you're stuck in square one

-Square One, Coldplay

my ballet recital was pretty much the funnest thing ever... we got to open up the recital (my Inter. Foundation class) and that was really cool. My ballet teacher is getting married in August and she wants us to do that dance for her wedding, when she signs the register :D i'm so excited about dancing at her wedding, it's going to be amazing.

*

"oh, the dull empty thudding yes. hateful hateful hateful."

-

"thats so cool. i can imagine them"
"*imagine... imagine...."
"yes, i know i know"
"i wish you could watch them with me. we could sit outside on chairs with blankets all around us and drink hot chocolate while we watched them erupt in the air"

"you made myself all tingly!"

"ha 'just reading that gave me the tingles!'"

-

"i like it how i don't have to explain but then you just know"

"me too. its so convenient, and it means less work for the hands. and the brain."
"it is convenient ahaaa... thats a funny way to say it"
"some people are so tiresome. they just don't get anything, they just laugh and make question marks and i'm like, this is so OBvious, any sensible person would understand in a snap"
"ahahaha i can just so see you doing that in your head"
"yep"

-

"maybe i will dream about seeing you! ' all of these moments just might make their way into my dreams tonight lalalaaa'"

"then i hate dreams, the tricky things which aren't REALITY."

"some dreams turn into reality"

"those are different dreams though. sometimes i can be tolerant of the flightyness of dreams, sometimes not"

"what kinds of dreams are those?"

"well maybe this will be one of the dreams that comes true, maybe oh maybe."

"i love you so much it makes me wanna laugh, dance, sing, and all that stuff."

*

colour the coast with your smile

I think it is going to turn out to be rather long... but i'll be glad for the break. Tonight I had nothing to do except work, so that wasn't much fun. Tomorrow will be better, I have rehearsals for my ballet recital (which is tomorrow night!!) in the morning, and theeen let us see, oh yes more work in the afternoon, then the actual recital at night!! i'm stoked for that, i always look forward to recitals every year...

sing to me the song of the stars, of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again...

"Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is believing that God is bigger than your fear. Courage doesn't mean you are never afraid. It means you take the things you're afraid of, whether people or situations, and you face them head on in God's power."

*it's pretty much weird. all of this. just pretty much weird.

Spinning, laughing, dancing to

her favorite song

A little girl with nothing wrong

Is all alone

Eyes wide open

Always hoping for the sun

And she'll sing her song to anyone

that comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn

Just fallin' to the ground

Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face

Tells a tale of grace

That's all her own

Spinning, laughing, dancing to

her favorite song

A little girl with nothing wrong

And she's all alone

-Seven Years, Norah Jones

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
-Galations 2:20

"rain makes grass greener. it makes people unhappy, but they should just look at the grass."
-brittni

He looked in my face, wiped the tears from my eyes, and with forgiveness in His voice He whispered to me, "do you know I still love you?"

this is true love

"By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us."
-1 John 3:16

you know what really hit me the other day?
God always welcomes and rejoices over everyone who comes to Him, even though He never lost them.
pretty amazing if you ask me.
~

sometimes i wonder why i can't just let it all go. give it up to Jesus. i know so many people talk about that and say "i just wish i could let this go, i need to give it up to God" and so when i say that i feel shallow and just... i dunno. but really... all God has ever asked me to do was to deny my own wants and accept His, and follow Him. so why must it be so hard? our hearts can never find any peace until they rest in God. He is the most hidden among us yet the most present, the most beautiful and yet the most strong, ever enduring and yet we cannot even begin to comprehend Him.
i realized the other day that there's a world of difference between the joy of hope that comes from faith and the shallow happiness that so many people look for today. i always knew that in my head... but i just really needed to be reminded of that. God is all i'll ever need. so how come i keep thinking that if i give up on this chance i'm never going to get another one?

He wants us as His own even though He doesn't need us.
And this all seems like something we've all heard before... but to tell you the truth it amazes me more and more every day and i can't get over God, and His love, and how great it is, and how i could never live without it.

*You rescued my heart, Jesus You rescued my life. Let me praise You in my heart, let me praise You with my tongue. Let this be the cry of my whole being: Lord there is none like You. Whisper in my heart again and again that You're here to save me, that You'll never let me go. 'Cause I doubt. "i will trust You, Jesus, i'll be brave." You outhsine all light yet are hidden deeper than any secret in my heart.
So i'll say it again... so that i love You, say that i need You, say that i can't live without You.
Here I am, as gold to the fire I will surrender to Your hand. to this place, Lord I have come ready for Your touch. It's all for You, it's all for You, i'm letting go...

(shift +1)

it's done it's over it's done it's over it's done it's overrrrr
i'm so incredibly happy right now.
it's done and i can breeeeaathh for... two days :D ha yea don't make fun of me, having two days off is a huge thing for me :P

i'm on my 24 hour famine right now... i'm hungry. everyone keeps bugging me.
"hii janelle"
"hi how are you"
"pretty good... guess what i'm doing right now"
"what"
"EATING!!!"

sigggggh.
i hope i don't faint in orchestra. but if i do... oh well. someone will probably revive me lol.
letsss see and i'm sleeping over at my church tonight, and that should be fun.
tomorrow is the normal saturday... orchestra/quartet/cello ensemble in the morning, and then ballet in the afternoon. and probably get together with chels at night... lol we're having a disney movie night :D and we're watching... a whole bunch of disney movies and it's going to be amazing!! and i have to go!! byeee

silence

guess i have a question. where are You?
if you put your arms around me, maybe it would change the way i feel.
I guess I let myself believe that the outside might just bleed it's way in.
give me a reason to believe You'd never keep me incomplete.
trace the shape of my heart until it becomes more familiar to your eyes.
I won't give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind.
took some time to realize i've fallen.

I know I could turn to something other than you
'Cause I don't understand you and why you're after me
I've never been the saint you wanted me to turn to
And I can't see the view from the eyes you look at me through, oh no
But I'm alright, I'm alright, I'm alright, I'm alright.
-I'm Alright, Jars of Clay
--

I'd really love to climb my way into your heart and see what I could find.
and i still pray when i look into your eyes
you stare right down into something beautiful.
--

"it's different with you somehow. you know how some people just get tiring after a while? and you feel like you always have to be happy and act differently and try to be interesting, well i don't have that with you. i could spend a week straight with you and not feel like i have to be happy all the time. i can just be... myself. normal. whatever i am that day. thats what i love about you."
"heehee" :P
--

and though it makes no sense to me, you make me wanna sing.
it makes no sense...
--

she sings to hide the tears.
she doesn't want to be seen crying cause she's too ashamed.
she tells everyone it's nothing.
but i see it's something in her eyes.
what are friendships for?
please just stop pushing me away.
--

All of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship
by Your grace You let me come and talk to You
It's not that i'm worthy Jesus I thank You
For the love that You've shown

beautiful

to the little girl whose /always/ smiling
to the little girl who is always full of energy.
to the little girl who never gives up.
to the little girl who always works to fulfill her goals and doesn't quit.
to the little girl who always acts tough even when it hurts.

you are truthfully one of the most talented and gifted people i know... you're turning 10 but yet you're in Gr.7 piano, Gr.5 violin, a provincial gymnastics champion, Gr.2 ballet student, amazing singer... you're talented at everything at you're amazing at it all. you succeed at everything single thing you do, God has given you an amazing gift. never give up on your dreams, on the things that make you smile.

i don't know anyone like you... keep it up. keep living for God. don't let anything get in the way of you living and doing everything for Him... use your gifts for His glory, not your own.

shine like you do.

happy birthday!!

<3

of... of things

Though everything's the same
Inside there's something real
A faith which causes me to change
(But what's different now)
A spark is gleaming in my eye
Like diamond stars that fill the sky
I think a smile says it all
A smile says it all
-Kutless

it really does. and the way you're smiling isn't very convincing to me that everything's all right... even though you act like it is. i'm so amazed at how you can put up such a good "i'm alright, everything's ok, i don't care" front. to tell you the truth you're really quite talented at it. but you can't fool me. let it go, leave all this behind and stop letting people break your heart, you can change this.

*

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you
Don't you know
There's more to this than we thought
'cause we were never listening
We heard it all before but we missed it
Lets go...
Back to the days when we were young and not restless
We still believed and hadn't built our defenses

*

my weekend didn't really go as planned... oh well. things happen, plans you've looked forward to get ruined, and life goes on. i... guess. ballet exam is over, and i'm just glad it's done. everyone in my whole class slacked off this year, we worked a lot harder for our other exam. which is ok... you can't do everything perfectly :P then friday night i went to a movie with... wow a lot of people, and we watched Mission Impossible 3 :D it was good... i liked it. it would have been a lot scarier if dear meg beside me would stop making jokes.

(movie) "time to blow up the car" "do i have to? it's so beautiful..." "blow it up"
(meg) "hmm it's interesting that they have that car in the movie... funny thing is i have the exact same one as him, except it's in... yellow."
(janelle) "oh really? thats interesting, i happen to have one in my garage, it's actually red. way better than yours"

all of that while they're killing people and having a huge fight. wow meg makes me laaaaugh :D i guess you had to be there... :P

this week promising to be pretty much boring... study study study and more study for music history exam this friday, and then i have a 24 hour famine to raise money for kids in Guatamela (sp?) from Friday to Saturday. i hope i don't faint in orchestra lol.

well i must go. goodbye!

thank you

there are new horizons with colours that i've never seen
the sky is filled with graces, since You have carried me
i was lost but You rescued my life

why in the world did You come after me?
Thank You.
Words aren't enough, but for now i can say
Thank You.

there is hope rising 'cause You have strength i've never seen
and Your eyes are shining cause You shed tears for me
i was miles from dry land, but You gave everything You had
i can't understand a love of this kind.

i could find other lines that You haven't heard
spoken over and over again.
i tried every way, but i keep landing on that simple phrase
so i'll keeping singing, "thank You."
-Thank You, Sanctus Real
**

:)

cause everyone needs more smiles.
*

sorry if i don't open up much... if it seems like i'm trying to ignore you. it's just cause i'm not too sure whether you're eventually gonna break my heart.

conversations

i don't know how to say this, i don't know where to start.
i think we've figured out this world is bigger than you and i.
we've exhausted our wealth of knowledge, and have no more answers for mankind.
and we've had every conversation in the world
about what is right and what has all gone bad
but have i mentioned to you that this is all i am?
this is all that i have, and i have no other way to communicate to you.
and i would like to share with you what makes me complete.
i don't claim to have found the truth, but i know it has found me.
and to let you know, the only thing that isn't meaningless to me is Jesus Christ and the way He's set me free.
and this is all that i have, this is all that i am.
just know that i care for you and i'm speaking from my heart.
//
i can't get you out of my mind and i hate that cause i don't want to make you this object in my mind. living in denial.... lalalaa. reminds me of some random song for some reason "there's got to be a better way, they dissect everything we say, to try to make us feel this way" lala which reminds me i got four new cds today! i'm very happy, now i need to go and buy... a jack johnson cd. his music makes me feel happy.



//
And you can take the one thing I have left,
I'd give it all away for so much less.
Could even take the heart inside my chest,
Woah
And you can take the one thing I have left,
Beat me to the ground and take my breath,
But you can't take who I am
woah-woah.
And I swear we were born to let you down.
We scream but never make a sound.
We point but don't know which direction.
//
today is a sunny day but i'm still upset. i'm upset at the way you make me feel, honestly. to be blunt. "you take my breath away now I'm trying to get up I'm trying to retrace my steps back to where ever I messed up Is forever enough?" i'm upset my quartet didn't win first cause we deserved it. i'm upset that the quartet who wasn't even aloud to place (according to the rules) placed and got higher. i'm upset because sarah worked so hard on this and she's amazing and now she didn't get rewarded. i'm upset because we all worked hard on this and now we didn't get rewarded like we should. i'm uspet... but i guess life moves on. disappointments happen and i hate when they do. wow i sound so pathetic. i had so many amazing ideas for this post but it kinda all just slipped away from my mind and this post has turned into some... pathetic sort of thing. oh well.
have a nice day

don't hyperventilate now

my weekend was... amazing. ochec was amazing, staying at brittni's house was amazing. i miss everyone right now... brittni and tineke, and all the people we hung out with, and the escalator guys. and then instead of going to kath's house on the weekend i went to lysha's house. good times.
and that is such a horrible picture of me, but i do not have any others. so if i get any other ones i will replace it lol.

"awaken yourself"

By now we should know

How to communicate instead of coming to blows

We're on a roll

And there ain't no stopping us now

We're burning under control

Isn't it strange how

We're all burning under the same sun

By now we say it's a war for peace

It's the same old game

But do we really want to play?

We could close our eyes it's still there

We could say it's us against them

We can try but nobody wins

Gravity has got a hold on us all

We try to put it out

But it's a growing flame

Using fear as fuel

Burning down our name

And it wont take too long

Cause words are burning same

And who we gunna blame now?

And oh, it's such a crying crying crying shame

It's such a crying crying crying shame

It's such a crying crying crying shame, shame, shame

-Crying Shame, Jack Johnson