sweet beginnings do arise

He took my life into his hands and turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I've finally found
That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again
//
the weekend...
Thursday: accompany my sister's festival class in the morning, then off to a 2 1/2 hour quartet practice, which went really well. come home, do some school, pack, then go to brittni's house.

Friday: ochec ochec ochec

Saturday: ochec and then kath will pick me up somewhere (not sure yet sorry kath lol) and then i'm gonna go to her house to sleep over.

Sunday: at kath's house... and then go home.

hurray... i'm excited.
have a great weekend everyone <3

dream

"I liked how they were all wearing yellow and there were yellow bushes and they were sitting in their little red wagon. If I have children I will dress them in yellow raincoats with rubber boots to match, and pull them in a little red wagon in the rain. And they will laugh at the drops landing on their noses, and one of them will hide her face in her hood because the water feels wet and foreign."
-tala

*

I look away.
Then I look back at you.
You try to say.
The things that you can't undo..If I had my way.
I'd never get over you.
But I don't wanna fall to pieces.
I don't wanna talk about it.
And I don't want a conversation.
I don't want to cry in front of you.

*

it's amazing how your best friend understands
just by ::looking:: into your e.y.e.s.

it must have looked like rain when ten thousand angels cried.
i'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.

and it's all so pointless.

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you're happy now
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

And the stars look very different today.
I like to be myself.
I hate to be alone.
Sometimes I cry about it. Sometimes I'm so mad.
Cause I know it's not worth my tears.
Even the best fall down sometimes.
So never give up on the things that make you smile.
Saying sorry isn't an excuse. Because you use it every time.
Saying sorry isn't going to make everything perfect again.

*I Told Him I Was Afraid Of Falling, And He Whispered, I Have Wings.

whisper

"i'm glad this is over and we can talk about it."
"yea me too"
"there's just one thing i've got to know though. what in that moment when you were running so hard and fast made you stop and turn for home?"
"well i always knew you loved me even though i'd broken your heart i always knew there'd be a place for me to make a brand new start"
"something else, what on earth made you stay here when you finally figured out what i was all about?"
"hmm well i always knew you'd do the right thing even though it might take some time"
"yea i felt that too and it's probably what saved my life."
/*/
There is a love that never fails
There is a healing that always prevails
There is a hope that whispers a vow
A promise to stay while we're working it out
/*/
oh love wash over a multitude of things.
Jesus save us from a multitude of things, make us whole.

sometimes

Sometimes when i'm stressed, i'll go to my room and throw things at the wall. Sometimes i cry at night, really quietly, so no one can hear me. Sometimes when everyone else is laughing and talking i'll just sit in a corner quietly and watch. Sometimes i just like to keep things to myself, not let anyone else know what i'm thinking. Sometimes i like it when people have really secret lives, and other times i want to know what they're thinking, and why they always act so sad. Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and i don't know where i am. Sometimes before i go to bed i can't get to sleep because i'm always thinking about the next day, all the things i have to do, or thinking about today and how i didn't do what Jesus would want me to do. Sometimes i think about what's going to happen to me in the future, and try to comprehend that Jesus knows. Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and i pray. i pray for my family, my friends, i pray that somehow Jesus will show me whats going on. other times i walk around and wonder why some people act the way they do. why girls say they're ugly when they're really beautiful just to get attention. when guys act like they don't care and they never cry just because they think they're tough. why you don't let me see into your heart. and why i can never trust God fully. sometimes i wonder why i never work hard enough, how i always slack off and never get things done. sometimes i wonder why i do so much... and who i do it for. sometimes when you're not around i like to sit on my window seat and write in my journal. sometimes when everything feels out of wack and you're not there for me and everyone else is gone, i like to sit with a cup of tea on my bed and remember all the times we shared. you confuse me to be quite honest. you've changed so much and half the time i can't figure out why you do the things you do. is it to get attention? is it to show others that you know what you're doing with your life? cause baby you're so wrong hold on to Jesus and He's the only one that's gonna get you through everything in your life. sometimes i just want to yell some sense into your head, make you realize how you're acting. but other times i can't even talk to you openly about anything cause i don't want to yell, i can't. and sometimes i just think you wouldn't understand. isn't that scary? through everything you were the only one who's always been there for me. when everyone else left you were the only one that stayed. sometimes i like to remember when we were little, when we didn't care about guys or anything else, and we didn't have anything in the world to worry about. sometimes i wonder what God has in store for you, i know He's got an amazing plan. // please don't play with me, my paper heart will bleed //

// no? yes. the bothersome of routine. the words she never spoke. the string of hope. the silver lining. the shiver. the glitter liquid streaming from her eyes. the pin drop. the lull between the music and the applause. the snapshot of the moment in time. the fallen snow on the bridge. the preaching of her heart. here goes her dreams, so vulnerable to the world." (a friend) //

caution

This is an excerpt from the book Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy. I thought I'd type out one part of the book that I was reading last night and which really, really struck me... I know it's long but I think every girl should read this. So if you have some spare time on your hands please take time to read this... it could change your perspective on life.
---------

Looking back on my life, I see how far I strayed from my childhood fairy-tale ideas. I see how tarnished and torn I became on my desperate quest to become a cherished princess. Because of that, I am truly amazed at what ultimately happened on my journey. After years of heartache and despair, I stumbled upon a path I never before knew existed. Trekking through the rugged terrain of life, I had been blinded to its presence by my pain. But when I finally allowed myself to take a tentative step onto this ancient, dusty, hideen path, my entire world was dramatically altered. And incredibly, my wounded feminine heart, with allits disillusionment and disappointment, was miraculously revived.
After years of convincing myself that all my searching for love had been in vain, a most unusual thing happened. I discovered my prind. All of my confusing female desires and seemingly foolish princess dreams now found their purpose... in him. This love story did not happen merely because of an amazing stroke of good fortune. It did not occue simply because I happened to be in the right place at the right time. This beautiful romance was made possible by something far more tangible, something that lies within the grasp of every young woman. The following account of the love story I discovered may seem like a surreal daydream, but it is far closer to reality than you might guess. So please don't be tempted to write it off as unattainable. Your feminine heart may be much closer to finding true love than you think.

He was someone I had known for years. He had been a close family friend. He had many appealing qualities, but I had never really thought about him in a romantic way. It was true that he had a sensitive and tender side that I had seen on few occasions. But he was also extremely passionate about truth, and I felt that sometimes he came across a little too strong on certain points. To be honest, he intimidated me. It also seemed that he was a little too involved with "church stuff." When I though of him, I was reminded of Sunday school lessons with flannel Bible story characters or gold offering plates-this was not exactly the atmosphere for true love!
he was one of those people with a piercing gaze that can see straight into the depths of your soul. Because of this, I had gone out of my way to avoid him for the past few years. For some time no my life had been a chaotic mess of compromise and confusion. i didn't want him to see what I had become. If he found out what I had done, I was sure he would sternly reprimand me and remind me that it was too late for me to ever discover anything more. But I soon realized I was very, very wrong about him.
I found him waiting for me by the apple trees near my back gate one day as I headed out for a morning walk. I was startled to see him there, surprised that after all these years and all the times I had ignored him, he still wanted to spend time with me. I gave him a tentative glanze, and he smiled at me-a tender, intimate smile that made my heart lurch inspite of itself. I quickly looked away.
"Can I walk with you?" he asked in a gentle voice. I nodded, still avoiding his gaze, and he fell into step beside me. We made our way in silence for a while, listening to the occasional chatter of a squirrel or high-pitched chirp of a robin. I kept my eyes on the gravel path at my feet.
"I miss you," he told me simply. Though it was obvious to both of us that I was the one who had put the distance between us, there was no hint of accusation in his tone. I bit my lip and nodded again, unsure what to say in response.
We walked a little farther, and I realized his presence was both refreshing and comforting. I could feel his tender eyes watching me, silently telling me how important I was to him, though I could not figure out why. Nothing else was ssaid during the rest of our time together that day, but I sensed that something more was about to happen between us. I just wasn't sure if I was ready.
Our friendship slowly grew. The more time I spent with him, the more I realized how utterly different he was from any man I had ever encountered. In him, there was none of the sex-hungry glances I had received from the guys at school, not a trace of the flirtatious teasing that had always surrounded me, and not a strain of the seductive charms I had grown so accustomed to in men. But somehow I knew that he loved me. That he deeply desired me. That he found me beautiful. I hardly dared to hope that I had finally found the one man that could fulfill those long-forgotten dreams of mine. Even if he could be my prince, I was sure I had found him too late.
"This is completely crazy," I told myself aloud one night as I tossed and turned in bed. "He wouldn't want someone like me." I was convinced that his love for me would shrivel up in a second if he truly understood how many mistakes I had made. I didn't think I could risk becoming attached to him. I had been hurt so many times that I didn't know how much more pain my heart could handle.
I had another worry. He didn't live his life the way anyone else did. He stood out like a neon billboard on a lonely desert highway. He was mocked and misunderstood by quite a few people in my life. I knew he would not fit into my world, would not be accepted by my friends, and would not be at home in most of my surroundings. How could I possibly love someone like this? hwat did he expect me to do-walk away from everything just to be with him?
I wrestled with my fears for weeks. He never pressured me to make a decision. He simple reminded me, in a hundred different ways, that he loved me and that he longed for me. He was infinitely patient, tender, and sensitive... the kind of prince I had dreamed of for as long as I could remember. He made the immature romantic wanna-bes that had historically gained my affection seem like pitiful counterfeits. After seeing the real thing, I couldn't believe I had fallen for such poor substitues. But at the same time, I couldn't help wondering whether or not he might just be too good to be true.
The more time I spent around him, the more something inside me desperately wanted to just surrender and fall into his waiting arms. But I was afraid to let myself trust him. I was afraid of what the decision might cost me.
Over time, gradually, like the moving of the hour hand, my guard came down. No matter how many times I pulled away from him, his love remained inmoving, like a majestic, unwavering mountain overlooking a tumultous ocean. I had even tried to convince him that I was not good enough for him. I'd told him in detail, with hot tears flashing in my tormented eyes, exactly what I had done with my life, heart, and body over the past years. But i sensed that isntead of judging me, he was inwardly weeping over ever piece of my shattered heart. Coming face-to-face with this kind of infinite kindness left me stunned.
One morning, as I was sitting alone on a bench in the crisp spring air, I felt him softly approach me. He didn't have to speak. I took a long look into the unfathomable depths of love in his eyes, and I melted. With tears coursing down my face like a cascading waterfall, I fell into his arms and told him passionately that my heart belonged to no one but him. At that moment, my life, my pursuits, my friends, everything I had built my world around, faded away into nothingness. None of it seemed even remotely important anymore. Nothing matter now but him.
As I whispered my devotion to him, a brilliant peace crept steadily into my heat and began to quietly mend its broken pieces. His eyes were wet with unspeakable joy. I felt like an eagle gliding freely along the majestic mountain peaks following an afternoon storm. I had finally found my prince. He had gallantly searched for me and rescued my horrible dungeons of captivity. He had loved me in spite of my wretched, ugly condition. He had taken the filthy rags I was clothed in and given me the sparkling gown of a beautiful princess. His amazing love had fully revived my shattered, wounded, bleeding heart. And though I knew that now I must sacrifice all I had ever known in order to be with him, there was not a shred of doubt lingering in my mind. It was like giving him a pile of worthless pebbles and receiving a houseful of priceless jewels in return.

Most of us don't realize that Jesus Christ is not a flimsy flannel board figure from a Sunday school lesson; that He is not a stern dictator looking down on us from heaven to make sure we obey His rules; that He is not a distant being who is too busy running the world to care about the details of our day-to-day lives; and that He is so much more than someone we say we believe in to keep ourselves out of hell when we die.
He is the Lover of our soul. Our true prince. The One we have been longing for, searching for, and dreaming of since childhood. The One who will love us the way no one else can love us; the One who will cherish us forever; the One who will transform us from a hopeless girl in rags into a beautiful, confident, radiant princess. He is the One who makes us ready for true, lasting, human love. And He is the One that meets our deepest needs when human love falls short.
In every generation, there are a few young women that discover their true Prince. Just like the princesses in my childhood fairty tales, once they meet this Prince and realize His incredible love for them, they willingly give up everything else to follow Him to the ends of the earth. They live a life with their Prince that is utterly different from the world around them. They are radiant. They are confident. They are fulfilled. They possess a truly authentic beauty that flows from within. They are world-changers. They are set apart in complete and utter devotion to their Prince. And they stand out from among all the other young women like a lily among thorns.
No matter how many times our dreams have been shattered, or how many times our heart has been trampled, or how far we have strayed from Him, our Prince is standing outside our dungeon window, tenderly calling out our name, patiently waiting for us to hear His voice and invite Him to rescue us from the bleakness of a life lived without Him. He is passionately longing for us, eager and ready to hold us, wash us clean, heal us, and carry us away to His land to cherish us as His princess forever.
This kind of fairy-tale romance between a young woman and her true Prince does not come without a sacrifice. It does not come without pain. But it is the most pricless gift we will ever be offered. And it is the most beautiful and fulfilling existence we could ever know or imagine.
-----------

You walked into my life and now you expect me to just forget that it all happened and just let it go cause now you've had enough.
You left your fingerprints on my heart.
I don't think I'll ever be able to forget you or let you go, I know you want me to.
Sorry about that.
//
You don't have to scream something you honestly mean. What would happen if you put down your walls and defenses? Or even if you would pretend to, just for a moment? For once in my entire life I don't mind not being able to understand something. Life can be just so randomly beautiful sometimes.
//
I have so many thoughts in my head. I love them. They are ridiculous, senseless, beautiful. They're all unique in their own ways. And I wish sometimes more than anything that I could write them down on paper and if one person could read it, and it could make a difference in their life, my purpose would be fufilled. But I finally figured out that I don't have a way with words. I am envious of people that have a way with words. But you know what, I guess that is with my music. That is my self-expression. Sometimes I just wish everyone could see what I see, hear what I hear, or feel what I feel. I wish my mind was a movie reel that everyone could watch. Is that too selfish to ask? Of course. Maybe I just wish to be understood, and to understand others. I am never, ever content with the photograph. I have to know the story behind it. It's the same way with life. I wonder what it is like. To let go, I mean. I wonder if they ever think about it. I wonder if they get that hole in the bottom of the stomach, like the one you get right after your teacher yells at you for talking in class or after you know you screwed up someone's dinner order at work. I sometimes wonder if they're just so far gone, so wrapped up in their own lives and pleasing the rest of them that they have lost all of their emotion. And in doing so, they don't even feel or notice anything going on around them, so they make rash decisions. I mean, do they ever feel guilty? Do they ever contemplate or have anything inside them make them hesitate? Or do they just rush into things? It's a series of lost inhibitions. And why? Why are they all so lost, undirected? Is it the parent's blame? Is it for acceptance, a need to feel known and loved? Is that really what they wanted, are they really happy? Or is their smile just as fake as ours? I guess I just wonder about everything too much. I always try to pick apart people. Like I always wonder how my parents had their first kiss. Or when I'm sitting in class, I wonder if my teacher ever had a broken heart, how many girls broke his heart. I wonder if he got in trouble during high school, and if he ever felt the same way I do about life at the moment: routine-filled, confusing, and stressing. I wonder about that man with the green jacket who comes into my work every Saturday and orders the exact same thing. I wonder if he does that because it's the only routine or consistency left in his life anymore. I wish I knew more about people and understood them better. Or I wish I didn't have so many questions about them. Like why must I always care what every person is feeling or going through. Why must I always want to know the past of people's lives? Maybe it's because I don't really understand myself, and the way my mind functions, and I think I can find the answers through someone else. Maybe it's all just a journey of self-discovery. Maybe this too will pass. Maybe I'm just scared of ending up like them. Or worse, ending up regretting everything I did as a teenager and being so unhappy all the time. I thought to myself the other day, you know, one of these days I'm going to look back and regret myself wallowing in self-pity. If I ready know I'm going to regret it, why do I continue? Why do I always let the little things get to me? The little, miniscule things. Things that have no significance in the world outside my head. Whatever happened to caring about world hunger and world peace? I forgot. Because I'm always stuck in the problems inside my head. It's a scary place, my mind. Sometimes I get scared of myself. I get scared that one of these days I'm going to lose it and end up like them. Because it's true, sometimes I feel like the only person I've got in the world is me. But that's just me being irrational and self-wallowing in pity again. I'm getting pretty good at this. The back and forth in my mind, just like a game of tennis.
-a friend
//
Why did you say those things why can't you just believe.
I hope you never ask me.
Cause you're going to see everything in my eyes.
Oh wait.
You never look into my eyes.

He turned away with that and almost reached the steps before she could speak past the tears choking her.
"I love you, Alex."
He turned around then and looked at her. "What'd you say?" His eyes were dark and hot, still mad at her - with good cause. She hadn't considered what her silence would cost him. All she had though about was avoiding a confrontation with her father.
Alex stood waiting.
"I - I said I love you."
"Say it in Spanish."
She swallowed, wondering if he only meant to humiliate her more before he walked out of her life. "Te amo, Alejandro Luis Madrid. Corazon y alma." She started to cry then, hard wracking sobs. He caught hold of her and poured out his feelings in Spanish. Though she didn't fully understand the words, she saw in his eyes and felt in his touch that he loved her.

-----

Staring our the window, Alex shoved his hands into his pockets. "I'm sorry about what I said earlier." Sierra didn't want to talk about it.
"I can't make any decisions yet, Alex."
"I can understand that."
"I grew up here."
"I know."
His response was clipped, neutral. The wall was still firmly in place between them. The first brick had been laid when he took the job in Los Angeles. More has been added since, day by day, month by month, over the past two years. She didn't even know anymore who was inside the wall and who was outside.
"I miss you," she said softly, brokenly. "I miss the way things used to be."
He looked at her then, his eyes bleak. She knew he was deeply troubled, that he wanted to say something if import. Maybe he was as worried a bout their marriage as she was.
"I'm going to leave tomorrow. I think it'd be better that way. It'll give you a chance to think things over."
What things? She wondered. The house? Or was there something he wasn't saying?
He left the window. "I'll go down and tell the other you'll be with us shortly."
"Alex?"
When he turned, she stood. Gathering her nerve, she took the risk and let her feelings show. "Would you hold me? Just for a minute." He came to her and did as she asked, but she felt no comfort. His arms were around her, but it was as though he withheld himself, his heart.
How could he be standing there, holding her, and yet seem so very far away?

--- (excerpt from The Scarlet Thread by Francine Rivers)

Luke 24

"Now on the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they, and certain other women with them, came to the tomb bringing the spices which they had prepared. But they found the stone rolled away from the tomb.

Then they went in and did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. And it happened, as they were greatly perplexed about this, that behold, two men stood by them in shining garments. Then, as they were afraid and bowed their faces to the earth, they said to them, “Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen! Remember how He spoke to you when He was still in Galilee, saying, ‘The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.’” And they remembered His words.

Then they returned from the tomb and told all these things to the eleven and to all the rest. It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the other women with them, who told these things to the apostles. And their words seemed to them like idle tales, and they did not believe them. But Peter arose and ran to the tomb; and stooping down, he saw the linen cloths lying by themselves; and he departed, marveling to himself at what had happened."

Luke 23:13-49

"Then Pilate, when he had called together the chief priests, the rulers, and the people, said to them, “You have brought this Man to me, as one who misleads the people. And indeed, having examined Him in your presence, I have found no fault in this Man concerning those things of which you accuse Him; no, neither did Herod, for I sent you back to him; and indeed nothing deserving of death has been done by Him. I will therefore chastise Him and release Him” (for it was necessary for him to release one to them at the feast). And they all cried out at once, saying, “Away with this Man, and release to us Barabbas” - who had been thrown into prison for a certain rebellion made in the city, and for murder. Pilate, therefore, wishing to release Jesus, again called out to them. But they shouted, saying, “Crucify Him, crucify Him!” Then he said to them the third time, “Why, what evil has He done? I have found no reason for death in Him. I will therefore chastise Him and let Him go.” But they were insistent, demanding with loud voices that He be crucified. And the voices of these men and of the chief priests prevailed. So Pilate gave sentence that it should be as they requested. And he released to them the one they requested, who for rebellion and murder had been thrown into prison; but he delivered Jesus to their will.

Now as they led Him away, they laid hold of a certain man, Simon a Cyrenian, who was coming from the country, and on him they laid the cross that he might bear it after Jesus. And a great multitude of the people followed Him, and women who also mourned and lamented Him. But Jesus, turning to them, said, “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for Me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. For indeed the days are coming in which they will say, ‘Blessed are the barren, wombs that never bore, and breasts which never nursed!’ Then they will begin ‘to say to the mountains, “Fall on us!” and to the hills, “Cover us!”’ For if they do these things in the green wood, what will be done in the dry?” There were also two others, criminals, led with Him to be put to death. And when they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the criminals, one on the right hand and the other on the left. Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” And they divided His garments and cast lots. And the people stood looking on. But even the rulers with them sneered, saying, “He saved others; let Him save Himself if He is the Christ, the chosen of God.” The soldiers also mocked Him, coming and offering Him sour wine, and saying, “If You are the King of the Jews, save Yourself.” And an inscription also was written over Him in letters of Greek, Latin, and Hebrew:

THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS.

Then one of the criminals who were hanged blasphemed Him, saying, “If You are the Christ, save Yourself and us.” But the other, answering, rebuked him, saying, “Do you not even fear God, seeing you are under the same condemnation? And we indeed justly, for we receive the due reward of our deeds; but this Man has done nothing wrong.” Then he said to Jesus, “Lord, remember me when You come into Your kingdom.” And Jesus said to him, “Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise.”

Now it was about the sixth hour, and there was darkness over all the earth until the ninth hour. Then the sun was darkened, and the veil of the temple was torn in two. And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, He said, “Father, ‘into Your hands I commit My spirit.’” Having said this, He breathed His last. So when the centurion saw what had happened, he glorified God, saying, “Certainly this was a righteous Man!” And the whole crowd who came together to that sight, seeing what had been done, beat their breasts and returned. But all His acquaintances, and the women who followed Him from Galilee, stood at a distance, watching these things."

I am found in Your embrace

Covered by Your love

You're my deepest dream I know

Your love so strong, Spirit come

You lift me up to heaven's door

You restored my soul

I come here without Your touch

I need You so much, need You more

You're my rock and my redeemer

The rock on which I stand

I keep falling in love with You Lord

Every beat of my heart, breath that I take

Through the seasons that change

Your love remains

My hiding place, my home.

Never let me go, Jesus, Lover of my soul.

"well you see, this.... this is a frog. and yes this is a blender. now you see, the frog is IN the blender. and yes i know that's cruel but listen, just listen. it's a frog, in a blender, but it has a very deadly/grose disease and it will kill us all if we don't KILL IT FIRST!!!"
good times. so i'm not gonna be blogging for a while guys cause... i'm just way to busy. i have festival coming up and my theory exam and then my ballet exams and it's just really, really stressful. well i'm gonna try not to blog for a while, lol it gets kinda addicting after a while. but you may all comment to your hearts content :D
mm one more thing. i have a big prayer request for you guys... my sister's best friend's mom (they all just moved to virginia) is in very critical condition right now... she had to have her thyroid gland removed, but it caused her nerve that allows her to swallow, speak, and all of that to be severed. so she can't swallow, which is very hard cause she chokes all the time, and they don't know if she'll be able to speak for a year. so it's really hard on their family and the kids are just... yea really traumatized by it all. so if you could pray for a miracle so that she can speak again that would be awesome.

Dear (...)

hey it's me. hows your life going? i hope you're doing better than you were before... yno what? things are better for me too, although i'm still really busy and stressed out about a lot of things. my ballet exam is this thursday, and i'm really nervous about it. i'll be doing it with people i don't even know and it's kinda freaky, if you know what i mean. well i guess you wouldn't... i wonder if you even know i have my ballet exam soon. two exams to be exact. i just wanted to let you know that i'm glad things are back to normal. i'm glad that you've been talking to me like normal lately and that everything seems to be... working out. i'm glad you're letting me see the real you, instead of putting all your defensiveness or "evasiveness" up. (as you would like to call it) i'm glad you're starting to realize what all happened a couple months ago, although you haven't told me you've started to realize it. but i can tell by the way you talk to me. i'm not quite sure if you know (yet) that you know things about me that i haven't told anyone else. cause if you did... you went have gone and done the things you did and made my heart cry. those weeks... i cried a lot. about you, about how things were going between us and just because you were acting like the hugest jerk ever. meh half the time you're a jerk but i love you for it. and i love you the way you are and you know that. so even though you're a jerk don't go and try to change for me ok? never change for me. sure there's things in all of our lives that we could change, fix up. so change for God, change because He wants you to be like Him more and more every day. ok? there's so many things about you that make me laugh, make me smile. did you know that? the stupidest little things... no one else will laugh at cause i'm the only one who gets it. and you do it on purpose cause you know i'm the only one who gets that little inside joke, and i'll start laughing hysterically and you'll act like you think i'm weird. ha i love it when you do that. and the way you'll make the funniest jokes, and the way you tilt your head when you're thinking, and you get that quizzical look on your face. but most importantly i love how you strive to live like God and to follow Him every single day. you don't always talk about it but i know you're doing just that. and i know you slip and fall, and so do i. so do we all. so i'm glad things are getting better, cause when things were tense between it, to put it straight it sucked a lot. i missed you then. you've broken my heart so many times, and some of them i look back on now and i think, why did i make such a big deal of that, why did we both. but yno what those were things were went through and had to go through, and it made us into who we are now. i'm glad you were apart of all the good things and the bad things, and looking back on it now i realize i wouldn't change a thing. you have taught me SO much and i don't think i'll ever fully realize that. so keep on being the way you are, keep on smiling, making those jokes, are tilting your head just so. but i have to ask you just one small favour. as we keep on growing, be careful with my heart, ok?

love,
Janelle

"Music can change the world because it can change people. The truth is when that singer is saying something that comes from right down within him, and it affects you right down within you. That's when you start talking about great music, as distinct from nice music."
-Bono

"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music."
-Aldous Huxley

beautiful disaster

and here i sit with trembling heart.
timid in my waiting i am...
still a little sad to say goodbye so often friend
in fallen leaves and cold like a silent foreign film.

don’t let me fall away
don’t let me go - sweet Jesus
-Miranda Stone

I've been living in denial to what I really felt, to what I know God wants me to do. And I hate this, this living in denial. But I don't want to accept what God has to say to me. I push Him away when I can hear what He's saying so clearly, I ignore those clear words. There's so many other times when I'm on my knees just asking God to let His will be known to me, and now I can hear it so clearly but I don't want to listen.

Cause God you know what I want, You know everything, and I know that left to myself I would choose anything but You. Show me the way, because obviously left to myself I would choose the wrong thing.
God I know I push You away, I know I'm stubborn, hard to mold into what You want me to be. I tell You to leave me alone, to just let me do what I want.
But not matter how much I tell you to go away, don't let me go.
Jesus please don't let me go.
-
sometimes its embarrassing to talk to You. to hold a conversation with the only One who sees right through this version of myself i try to hide behind. i'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified. and sometimes i'm so thankful for Your loyalty. Your love regardless of the mistakes i make will spoil me. my confidence is, in a sense, a gift You've given me. and i'm satisfied to realize You're all i'll ever need. You looked into my life and never stopped, and You're thinking all my thoughts are so simple but so beautiful. and You recite my words right back to me before i even speak . You let me know, i am understood. and sometimes i spend my time just trying to escape. i work so hard, so desperately, in an attempt to create space. cause i want distance from the utmost important thing i know. i see Your love, then turn my back, and beg for You to go. You're the only one who understands completely. You're the only one who knows me yet still loves (me) completely. and sometimes the place i'm at is at a loss of words. if i think of something worthy, i know that it is already Yours. and through the times i've faded and You've outlined me again. You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then, the noise has broken my defense. let me embrace salvation. Your voice has broken my defense. let me embrace salvation.
-I Am Understood? Relient K

at last.. peace

Walking with the blue skies overhead us, crushing fallen leaves of red and gold with our feet. I never saw the sun shining so bright except on that day. Holding eachother's sunburned hands, talking about way back when. Walking in the fields that shined like gold, wishing that moment would never pass. But knowing that all too soon it would, everything we once shared would be gone. Not because we wanted it to, but because we had to let go. Well I didn't want to.

Now I'm sitting here, watching the early morning rain make its patter against my window. Staring out into the autumn sky, surveying the leaves of bright red, burnt orange, and yellow. I never made promises lightly. Many years have passed since those summer days among those fields of gold. But life moves on, it keeps on going whether we want it to or not. And how can i help but be happy where I am? How can I keep from singing?

Sitting before a glowing fire, it lit up your face in orange and gold. Remember? I can still see your sweet smile shine through the darkness, it's line is etched in my memory. Just so I would know you by heart. We would share our secrets, we'd walk until the morning was gone. We were like children, laughing for hours, and I can never forget the joy you made my heart feel. I can still hear your voice, whispering like the wind.

You left in autumn. The leaves were turning, while i walked down roads of orange and gold. I could see your sweet smile in everything that I saw, every sound reminded me in some distant way of your laughter. You're still here beside my every day.

I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

I called you up the other day just to tell you why I left and you and to say goodbye. And yes the weather is fine here, with a slight chance of rain.
We're both different now and I guess I've changed to.
And the other day I found a picture of your smiling face, it brought with it old memories that I thought I had forever locked away. But I've changed, the burden of anger from a heart filled with pain was finally lifted and I smiled at you again.

I spoke such harsh words before goodbye
Well I wanted to hurt you for the tears you made
You made me cry

All those years, they're gonna be part of my life forever. The joy and the pain mixed together. Memories can't heal the pain, but I've forgiven. And now I choose to forget.
And the truth is, I miss you.
Why?

'Cause I knew you by heart.

you've changed

That sparkle in your eyes is gone
Your smile is just a careless yawn
You're breaking my heart
You've changed
*
I can't understand
You've changed
You've forgotten the words, "I love you"
Each memory that we've shared
You ignore every star above you
I can't realize you've ever cared
You've changed
*

So if you want to download some crazy awesome jazz songs download some by Eva Cassidy. (thats the lyrics to her song You've Changed up above) gwah she is such an amazing singer... aaaand chels is singing her song "Fever" at Jazz Cabaret on Thursday night :D woot woot i'm very excited about jazz cabaret. and then everyone's gonna go out afterwards hurrah!
lets see... today should be a good day. music history just before lunch, teaching this morning, cello practice with some guy in london, going out for dinner to The Beanery (which is officially the cutest cafe ever) with Victoria. and then we're both gonna go off to ballet.
and add school and music practice into all of that, and some catching up on my emails.
should be an interesting day indeed...
ah i've got fever in my head "never know how much i love u, never know how much i caaare. when you put your arms around me i get a feeling that i just can't bear..." tralala
goodbye!

I heard you say you would love for a lifetime
Now you complain a lifetime just doesn’t feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up

Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?

Don’t give up on love and throw it all away
Don’t give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain?
Don’t give up on love and throw it all away

I heard you say you can’t change a stubborn heart
I can relate ‘cause that’s how I feel when I talk with you

Why should it take losing everything
To realize it might be time to change?

Don’t give up on love and throw it all away
Don’t give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain?
Don’t give up on love and throw it all away

Your restless heart won’t win ‘cause you take but you don’t give
And you’ll keep moving on until you learn what love is

-Don't Give Up, Sanctus Real