for hannah

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveyouiloveyou
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveyou
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
iloveyouiloveyou
and sixthly(ahaha)
iloveyou
---
"haha lets go on a you-are-better-than-me binge. i don't know how to spell binge. is that even the right word? thats the only word i can think of that means what I meant to mean though. but maybe it isn't..."

I was laying in bed last night, letting my mind wander from one subject to another. I always have that when I lay in bed when it's dark out and everyone else is asleep. I think about so many things, and last night I was thinking about you.

You've changed so much. Last year you were sweet, cute, innocent. And you still are, but you've let other people use you and you might not show it but I know it hurts you. You go from one guy to the next, hurting over a break up but then two days after you're with another guy, just like your other relationship never even happened. You're never gonna read this but I had to type/sort my thoughts out.

It break my heart to see how much you've changed.

It's amazing how people can change so fast. It's amazing how so many relationships today are shallow. Teenage relationships... sometimes they just make me want to laugh. I know you said you didn't care what he did to you, but I know you do. When you were talking to other people from across the room, I was sitting in a chair listening. I heard you say you didn't care, that he was just a jerk, that you didn't cry. But looking at your eyes I know you're lying. I know you cried, I can tell how much you hurt inside. When's it gonna end hon. You're still your sweet, innocent self, but you've let people scar you in a way that you should never have been scared. In so many ways you've changed but you're still the same. Wake up, realize what's happening to your life, fix it. Cause I don't want to see you hurting in another three months after another break-up, and a relationship that you knew was never going to work. Stop messing up your life and realize what they're doing to you. You can get out of this, I know you can. Be strong, cause you can't keep on going the way you are.

'Cause I know you're hurting.
So put down your burdens.
Crucify your doubts and just reach out.
Reach out to Jesus.

we're so close yet we're so far away

You make it seem like it was yesterday.
But we've come a long way out of the rain.
Can't seem to figure out what happens after this.
Why can't I?
Why must you say I made a mess out of things?
I won't believe it.
Tonight feels right like I'm dancing on air.
I'll make it right, I'll make it right.

*

When it's all said and done
And the night has come
I'll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you were here
Fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years

*

Did you know how you would move me?
Did you know?
Well, I don’t even think so.
But the moment's magic swept us away.
And it’s so close but we’re so far away.

-Mae

God's doing what He has done so many times before, what He's promised to do. He's picking up the pieces of my heart that lay broken on the floor, and He's piecing it back together and putting it in His hand. And that's where it should be.

try to understand

I know you want more, but I can't give it that to you and I don't think I will ever be able to. What you want is something I can't give and I'm not free to give right now. I know it's hard for you to understand or try to put your mind around but it's the way it is and nothing is going to change this.
I do love you. A whole ton and as a friend. I know it's hard for you to come to realize, and I don't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you.
This could be the hardest thing I'll ever have to say. To let you know how I feel, but it's how it has to be. I didn't want to tell you, but I have to cause then you'll never fully understand.
You never did fully understand. I didn't think you would, but that's ok. There's so much about me you hardly even know, and which I know you'll never know. You're not like me, I'm not like you. Sure we have things in common but not when it comes to God. You never grew up knowing and having a relationship with Jesus, and I've tried to tell you about Him but you always push me away whenever I start talking about Him.
And that's why I have to let you go.

I heard you say you can’t change a stubborn heart
I can relate ‘cause that’s how I feel when I talk with you

We'll never be the same. And I'm just praying that someday you're going to realize that Jesus wants you. He wants to hold you so bad and share you hurts and help you to understand why I had to say no. I want that so badly for you... so badly. And somehow I just know that God's working in you and He's going to bring you to Him. It might not be soon, it might not be now. I might not even know you anymore when it happens but I think it will. I think that someday you're going to realize that there's a void in your life that no one else can fill except Jesus. And you think I can fill that void but you know what, you're wrong. So desperately wrong.

And that hurts me to know that you can't see that right now. And it hurts me to know that you can't understand what I'm trying to say, and then you think I have to say goodbye to you because I don't like you. It's not true and I can't... I can't say anything more to convince you of that.
So try to understand why I had to say goodbye to you. I never wanted to...
but please just try to understand.

Your restless heart won’t win ‘cause you take but you don’t give
And you’ll keep moving on until you learn what love is

scattering pieces

Longing to fade into countless nights
That buried my weary heart.

[...]

Fear is binding. It takes me and holds me and it seems I can't make it go. It's frustrating because I don't want to fear. I don't want to doubt. I just wanna trust.

[...]

But You brought an end to this dead hour
And meaning to this calloused life.
Held in Your arms but too far from my heart.

[...]

Cause God I can't keep on living like this. Waking each morning to find that I'm scared of what's ahead. I'm scared of everything. Is it bad to be scared? Or is it just normal. It's comforting to know that You know everything ahead, everything that's gonna happen to me, but I'm still scared. Sometimes I'm just so glad that I don't know what's happening ahead, but i know that You do and that's re-assuring.

[...]

These thoughts will carry me through the darkest nights,
While your eyes rest in mine.

[...]

Did you know there's things that only you know about? Did you know that I've shared stuff with you that no one else would ever imagine, no one else could understand. And that's why I told you. But you still went away, after a while you acted like you didn't care about anything I told you anymore. You acted liked you didn't care about what I had to say about anymore, you didn't care about me. And it hurt. And i hope you know that I will never be able to tell anyone else those things. You hold a special piece of my heart and I didn't think you would ever let that go. But you did. And I miss the way you always used to be.

[...]

I remember the way You loked at me
And the way You drew me close with one deep sigh.
Scattering pieces of my restless mind
Forgetting all that we have left behind.

[...]

I wish I could forget everything.
But I can't.
I wish I could see life without you.
But I can't.

collision

Forever your eyes will hold the memory I saw your heart as it overtook me
We tried so hard to understand and reason
But in the one moment I gave my heart away
The perfect breath where my mind lay beside me
And all I knew is what had overtaken me
With no explanation I am comforted by my inability to understand
When I wake from this dream will you still be here?
Will your smile still open my heart
And leave me trasparent?

*

can you understand my meaning hidden in the roses around my eyes
i want you to know how much it means to have you in my life
your love brings me close again in this instance when our worlds collide
the wire of eternity twists around us i can feel this river rising, moving up my back
some things never change
some things never go away
i could never forget you
and i will never be the same

the week

well lets see. i'm just gonna describe march break now, even though it's over. meh it was so much fun, i must tell you all about it.
so Monday night I went up to Toronto with my ballet teacher (Miss Jaqueline) and Alanna and Jen. which was all cool, and we got to the hotel and it looked like a huge sorta lodge/barn and it was a very disappointing hotel. once we had a flying ant in our room it was very disturbing.
then we went to hang out with Miss Jaqueline's sister, who is also one of our other ballet teachers, cause she was there too taking some teaching course thinger.

on Tuesday we woke up and went to our first ballet class with the examiner and everything. and wow there were so many girls dancing there, like 25 in a smallish sorta room and there was not much space at all. and we had heard really scary stories about the examiner being really mean and stuff, but she wasn't too bad. we had also expected that every other dance was gonna be anexoric, and that they were all going to think we were fat... lol... but that didn't happen so we were relieved.
after that class we went shopping :D man shopping in Toronto is seriously so much fun. we went to... two different malls that day. the first one kinda sucked but then the second one had a whole bunch of stores that a lot of other malls didn't have so htat was exciting. oooh found an amazing new store, well not new but anyways. it's called H & M and i love it insanely much... i found a lot of stuff there, but i didn't have too much to spend so yno how it goes. BUT i did get a shirt there, it's striped and it's blue :D and a really cute bag that was only 20 bucks so that was cool. then we went out for supper with everyone and then went to our hotel and watched tv and talked it was fun.

wednessssday. um ballet class in the morning, going to a music store place in the afternoon cause apparently it had a big sale and miss jaqueline really wanted to go (cause she's a music teacher at a school too) so we basically sat around at the store and it was really boring.
but then we went some more shopping and i got a tshirt from ae for ten bucks, aaand another shirt and then a wallet from ae. it's very cute it's striped and yea.
then we went to watch a movie at night.... Failure to Launch to be exact. it was pretty good, and then we went home and it was like 12:30 but we didn't care and we went to work out downstairs, being the crazy people we all are. and then we went upstairs and watched tv and talked about bats and then we went to bed LOL.

thursssday was the last day, last ballet class. man i'm glad the ballet classes were over lol.. and then we went back to the hotel, packed up and yea went home.
man we had so many good times, and i didn't bring my camera so we could take pictures blahblahblah.

then i got home and i had to hang out with my brother and his friend... i was so grumpy cause i slept the whole way home and i was just like.... hehe yeeeeaaa. but that was all good. aaron left, jordan went to work and then my cousin came over and we watched PRIDE AND PREJUDICE :D:D:D and Sahara, and Star Wars 2. all in all we had THE best movie night in the history of best movie nights!! she slept over...

and then Friday i went to quartet practice for two hours, then off to Ben's house and we hung out the whole night and watched movies. hurrah hurrah

saturday morning i had no orchestra, no ballet, no nothing and it was amazing, i could finally sleep in on a saturday for once in my life. and then i was bored all day, cause my brother was at work and no one was at home (my parents and sister were still in virginia) so i just kinda sat around by myself. but then i called chels when she finally woke up and i went to her house, and then we had a whole bunch of other people come and we all hung out.

sunday was church. and then my brother and me went to aaron's house for the whole day inbetween servies lol WHAT FUN *snort* nah it was ok. my brother kinda played the computer the whole time so aaron and me played checkers, and fusball, and CHINESE CHECKERS!! yes good times.

and then monday i did school, and cleaned the house, and went to music history and ballet.
tuesday i did school, cleaned the house, went to catchism and ballet.
and then my parents came home late tuesday night.
and that.... was my week.
fare thee well

happy birthday tala <3

to tala...
mm i never know what to say on birthday posts.
it's frustrating really.
you're amazing, to say it plainly.
how long have i known you? a year and a half, wait no maybe two years, two and a half. i don't even remember, but i know i haven't known you for that long.
either way, i just wanted to say happy birthday and that thanks for always being there for me, or always being there to listen when i needed to talk. even though we haven't been talking too much lately i know that if i need to talk to you about something that you'll always be there with open arms, ready to listen. and i know i can trust you, and there's really only a few people in this world that i really trust, and you're one of them.
so here's to you... and to your happiness.
----
Keep on believing God is
Soaring above a world that is
Running out of love
Pouring hope out over us
His angel doves
----

LOVE ALWAYS,
Janelle

my birthday!

hey guys, i just wanted to thank you all for the emails, posts, msn names... and everything for my birthday :D they made me happy...

so what did i do yesterday. woke up, my sister left for Virginia, i went to my piano lesson, got home, studied for my apologetics exam, went and did the exam, came home, went out to supper with my parents and my brother... yep that was basically my day!!

anyways i have to go eat breakfast... even though it's 11 o'clock lol. late breakfast!
but yea i'm really hungry so goodbye!!

i miss you

I miss you Opa. There's so many things that I remember about you so clearly. Even though i was young when you died, i still remember. I remember Oma taking me to the dialysis centre once a week so that i could see you. and then we would go to the hospital and after the doctors checked you out, they would put you in a wheelchair, and i would ride on your lap down the hall and down the elevator, all the way to the front door.

we would go out to tim hortons after... just you, me, and oma. it was the same routine every week. i remember looking so forward to those days, and feeling so special cause i was the only one who did that with you. Jordan was in school and it was my special time to spend with you... all by myself, and with Oma.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Especially since my birthday is coming up soon. I can't stop thinking, "what if". Why did you have to die so soon, why couldn't you live so that i could get to know you more. Cause in the short time i knew you, you were one of the people that i looked up to the most. You were one of the most amazing men i have ever known Opa. And with my birthday coming up I just keep thinking, what if you could see me now. I've changed so much Opa, I've grown up! I'm no longer a little girl, I'm growing up into a young women that's changing every day. And I wish you could see that, I wish I could go to you every day and talk to you about stuff.

I remember crying really hard when you died. I remember crying at your funeral and holding on to my mom so much cause i didn't know what else to do. I remember Oma... being so strong, and me wondering how she could be so strong, in my own little kid way. I remember that for nights and night afterward i would lay in my bed and cry. i would call Oma in the middle of the night and just cry on the phone, and she was always so strong. I think you going to heaven was one of the hardest things i had to face. And it hurts to know that i can never get you back, that no matter what you're gone forever. but yno what? i know God worked through you when you lived, in the most amazing ways. from the stories i heard of you... i know that you touched so many lives.

I know that God took you away for a purpose. and i'm not doubting the ways that God works. cause both of us know that everything works together for good to those that love God. and i know you're up there with Him and i know that you're praising Him at this very moment! you have no more pain, no more dialysis... and... i dunno i don't know how to express myself. i don't think anyone can ever know how much i miss you, and what we shared in the short time that i knew you. but you and i know, and God knows. it's amazing that you even lived as long as you did, seeing as the doctors told you you probably wouldn't live past 16, but you lived till about 65!! your life was a miracle Opa.

so i'm not doubting why God took you away.... but i just wish you could have stayed.
i love you

seeing the invisible

It bugs me when i get nothing done.
I hate feeling unmotivated to get stuff done.
It hurts when you feel like people have used you.
I hate it when i give my heart to someone cause I trust them but then they totally screw it over by breaking my heart. It hurts.
I hate not wanting and being able to let things go.
I hate that i can't fully put everything in God's hands. It's like a part of me is still holding back, not wanting to let God control.
I hate holding my hurt in.
I hate it when i can't be there to give my friends hugs when the need them the most.
I hate it when guys play with girl's hearts.
I hate it when girls play with guy's hearts.
I hate it how half the time we change who we are so we can fit in.
I hate feeling helpless. yet i know that God has led me here so that I will totally trust in Him. i know people say this kind of stuff all the time but it's true and i don't have any other ways to express it.

It's March, my birthday is in a week. I'm gonna be turning 14... it doesn't seem very old to me. I feel so much younger than everyone else.

Feburary was a hard month. But through this whole journey that God has led me through, I've learned so much about how to listen. That when God is trying to lead me to a certain place that I have to follow, not hold back because i don't want to let certain things go.
I know that He sees what i can't see, He sees whats invisible to me.
And to me thats comforting.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:16-18

March is going to be an exciting month.

-----

"...but most of all Lord take my life and make me a miracle too."

how amazing is this picture? pretty amazing i must say. it's my friend Mr. Potato Head dressed up as darth vador :D